Two hundred miles east of the Red-Sand Wastes, nestled in a lush green canyon at the edge of the Great Yan border, stood the Green-Jade Valley Outpost of the Crimson Cloud Immortal Sect.
Inside a luxurious pavilion carved from fragrant red sandalwood, a fat sixty-year-old man in gold-trimmed crimson robes was lounging on a tiger-skin couch. Two frightened handyman disciples knelt on the floor beside him, one peeling chilled purple grapes while the other fanned him with a peacock-feather fan.
This was Branch Elder Huo—Huo Tianba, a Rank 4 Peak (Qi Gathering Stage 9) master who ruled the Green-Jade Valley branch like a local emperor.
At this moment, however, Elder Huo was not enjoying his grapes. He was staring furiously at the cracked bronze tracking plate on his table, where the six glowing red dots representing Envoy Lin, Senior Brother Zhao, and the four outer disciples had spent the entire morning zipping back and forth in neat, thirty-foot-wide parallel lines!
“Are they mocking me?!” Elder Huo slammed his fat palm down on the sandalwood table, squashing a bowl of grapes into purple juice. “I sent Lin Cang to collect tribute from the Iron-Wolf Marquis, and he vanished! Then I sent Zhao Kuang with four disciples to bring Lin Cang back, and now all six of their flying swords are crawling back and forth in a mud field like six oxen plowing turnips! Why didn’t Zhao Kuang answer my voice transmission just now?!”
“E-Elder Huo,” the handyman disciple holding the fan trembled. “Could it be that a powerful rogue cultivator is hiding in that desert city and captured Senior Brother Zhao?”
“A powerful rogue cultivator in the barren Red-Sand Wastes? Bah!” Elder Huo spat out a grape seed with disdain. “What rogue cultivator would stay in a place where not even weeds grow? Those six lazy brats must have found a mortal pleasure-house in that border town and got drunk, or else some ignorant mortal warlord trapped them with lime powder! Should I fly two hundred miles across the hot sand in the middle of the day just to spank six outer disciples? The sun out there will ruin my complexion!”
Elder Huo reached into his wide silk sleeve and pulled out a six-inch talisman made of purple gold-leaf paper, painted with cinnabar blood and a miniature spirit-mirror in the center.
It was a treasured Rank 4 Peak Thousand-Mile Flame-Phantom Talisman—worth five hundred low-grade Spirit Stones! By injecting a sliver of his own spiritual consciousness and twenty percent of his dantian’s fire-Qi into the talisman, Elder Huo could use the broken tracking token at the other end as a beacon to project a terrifying, thirty-foot flaming phantom of himself two hundred miles away!
“Why walk when one roar from this Elder’s Spirit-Projection can scare a hundred thousand mortals into wetting their pants?” Elder Huo sneered, biting his thumb and smearing blood across the purple-gold talisman. “Wait until my thirty-foot Flame-Phantom appears in the sky over their city! That mortal lord will be so terrified he’ll crawl ten miles on his knees to bring me my disciples and a hundred thousand taels of gold!”
WHOOOOOOOSH!
Elder Huo poured a massive stream of his Rank 4 Peak fire-Qi and a glowing thread of his own spiritual consciousness straight into the burning talisman!
***
At that exact moment, back in the main central square of Dry-Well City—right in front of the newly expanded Grand Sweet-Spring Bathhouse—the noon shift change was in full swing.
Fifty thousand workers, bricklayers, and new refugees were lining up at the canteen windows with their tin lunchboxes, while Senior Brother Zhao parked Flying-Sword Tractor #1 neatly in the VIP parking spot outside the bathhouse and happily pinned ten brand-new Little Red Paper Flowers across the chest of his yellow Debtor Vest.
“Look at my chest, Lin Cang! Ten Little Red Flowers in one morning!” Senior Brother Zhao bragged, holding a giant roasted lamb leg in his left hand while chewing a mouthful of crispy skin. “Supervisor Lin, you only have three flowers! Starting this afternoon, who is the real #1 Model Worker of Dry-Well City?!”
“Don’t get cocky, Zhao Kuang!” Envoy Lin huffed, holding his own lunchbox of braised pork belly. “You only got ten flowers because the tractor used five swords at once! Tonight in the Beginners’ Fireball Class, let’s see whose students pass the quiz faster!”
Suddenly, the cracked green jade tracking token sitting on Abacus Su’s audit table began to hiss and spew thick purple-red smoke into the midday sky!
crack-BOOM!
A pillar of crimson flame shot a hundred feet straight up above the bathhouse roof!
Within three breaths, the roaring fire condensed in mid-air into an enormous, thirty-foot-tall phantom of a fat old man wearing a gold-trimmed crimson robe, with a long fiery beard and eyes as big as washbasins!
Even though it was only a spirit-projection made of condensed fire-Qi and spiritual consciousness, the sheer pressure of a Rank 4 Peak (Qi Gathering Stage 9) master rolled out across the central square in a scorching wave!
“ANTS OF THIS MORTAL MUD TOWN! KNEEL BEFORE BRANCH ELDER HUO OF THE CRIMSON CLOUD IMMORTAL SECT!”
The thirty-foot flaming head of Elder Huo roared down from the sky, his voice booming like summer thunder as he glared around at the white-walled buildings and bustling streets below.
When Elder Huo’s giant flaming eyes spotted the massive size of Dry-Well City, the steaming bathhouse, and the thousands of clean, well-fed citizens holding bowls of meat, a look of naked greed flashed across his thirty-foot phantom face.
“Good! Very good!” Elder Huo’s giant flaming phantom laughed arrogantly, shaking his fiery beard so sparks rained toward the eaves. “Who knew you desert rats had built such a fat little nest out here! Where is the mortal worm who calls himself the Lord of this city?! Come out and kowtow to this Elder right now!”
Down on the marble steps of the Grand Bathhouse, Pei Xuan walked out holding a wooden bowl of cold almond tofu, followed by Hong Ling, Old Wei, and Abacus Su.
Behind them, Senior Brother Zhao and Envoy Lin didn’t kneel—instead, both of them instinctively ducked behind a stone pillar so Elder Huo wouldn’t see their yellow Debtor Vests!
“Listen to my decree, mortal boy!” Elder Huo’s thirty-foot phantom pointed a giant flaming finger down at Pei Xuan. “Because your shabby town dared to block my tracking array and delay my six disciples, you have committed a capital crime against the Crimson Cloud Sect! However, this Elder is merciful! Within one hour, you will prepare one hundred thousand taels of gold, ten thousand sacks of your white grain, and five hundred young boys and girls to serve as handyman slaves in my Green-Jade Valley! Put them on ox-carts together with my six disciples and deliver them to my mountain gate! If you are one minute late, this Elder’s Flame-Phantom will spit True Crimson Fire and burn your bathhouse and your whole town into black charcoal before I even finish my afternoon nap!”
Across the square, the newly arrived refugees gasped in fear, trembling at the sight of the giant flaming head in the sky.
The veteran citizens of Dry-Well City, however, didn’t even stop eating their lunch.
“Hey, Blacksmith Zhang, why is this big red head so loud?” an old mason complained, covering his ears. “He’s shaking dust into my soup!”
“Don’t worry, look at Lord Pei—he hasn’t even put down his almond tofu yet!”
Behind the stone pillar next to Pei Xuan, Senior Brother Zhao poked his head out and whispered urgently to Pei Xuan:
“Lord Pei! Don’t be fooled by Elder Huo’s bluff! That’s just a Thousand-Mile Flame-Phantom Talisman! The real Elder Huo is too lazy to fly across the desert in the noon sun—he’s sitting on his tiger-skin couch in Green-Jade Valley eating grapes right now! Look at the glowing red core between the phantom’s eyebrows: to keep a thirty-foot projection talking and spitting fire from two hundred miles away, he had to put a full twenty percent of his dantian’s fire-Qi and a thread of his own soul-consciousness inside that phantom!”
“Oh?” Pei Xuan raised an eyebrow, taking another spoonful of cold almond tofu. “Twenty percent of his fire-Qi and a thread of his soul-consciousness? How long can that phantom stay up there?”
“Normally only fifteen minutes before the talisman burns out and his soul-thread flies back to his body!” Envoy Lin chimed in eagerly from the other side of the pillar, hoping to earn another Little Red Flower. “Lord Pei, if we turn on the Level 2 Gravity Array and squash that phantomright now, Elder Huo will lose that twenty percent of his Qi and get a terrible headache for three days!”
Pei Xuan looked up at the thirty-foot glowing red head hovering right above the front roof of the Grand Sweet-Spring Bathhouse.
Then Pei Xuan shook his head and sighed.
“Squash it? What a terrible waste of free electricity!” Pei Xuan clicked his tongue in disapproval. “Just this morning, Abacus Su told me that the night-shift coal miners coming back at midnight have trouble seeing the entrance of the Grand Bathhouse from the far side of the city. We were going to spend three thousand silver taels to build a giant glowing signboard on the bathhouse roof. And now, Elder Huo has kindly delivered a thirty-foot glowing head made of pure Rank 4 Peak fire-Qi right to our front door!”
Senior Brother Zhao and Envoy Lin both blinked blankly.
“A... a glowing signboard?!” Senior Brother Zhao stammered. “Lord Pei, you want to use our Branch Elder’s sacred Spirit-Projection as a streetlamp?!”
“Not just a streetlamp—a talking neon advertisement!” Pei Xuan grinned and tapped the [Fusion Cube] icon in his mind.
[ Spend 250,000 LP? -> CONFIRMED! ]
[ Remaining Balance: 3,470,000 LP ]
Up on the center peak of the Grand Bathhouse’s tiled roof, the tall iron lightning rod suddenly flashed with golden fusion light!
At the base of the lightning rod appeared a five-foot-tall, crystal-clear glass pickle jar bolted onto a rotating brass turntable, surrounded by colorful red and green glass lenses and two giant brass megaphone horns!
Up in the sky, Elder Huo’s thirty-foot flaming phantom saw that Pei Xuan hadn’t knelt down yet and hadn’t even stopped eating his dessert.
“Insolent mortal brat!” Elder Huo’s giant flaming face twisted in rage as he opened his six-foot-wide mouth, gathering a massive ball of Rank 4 Peak Crimson Fire in his throat. “You dare ignore this Elder’s decree?! Before this Elder counts to three, I will spit this fireball down and roast your bathhouse into ashes! One! Two—!”
“Switch it on, Hong Ling,” Pei Xuan said calmly.
“Yay! Catch the big shiny head!” Hong Ling cheered and pulled down the heavy iron lever on the bathhouse wall!
ZAAAAAP—WHOOOOOOOSH!
The iron lightning rod on the bathhouse roof let out an ear-splitting crack of blue-gold lightning!
Before Elder Huo’s phantom could shout “Three,” a glowing golden fishing net woven with soul-locking runes shot out of the tip of the lightning rod, expanded to forty feet wide in mid-air, and wrapped tightly around Elder Huo’s thirty-foot flaming head and beard!
“What is this?!” Elder Huo’s giant flaming phantom screamed in shock as the golden net gave him a ten-thousand-volt electric shock that paralyzed his spiritual consciousness. “How can a mortal lightning rod lock onto my Spirit-Projection?! Release me! Soul-Return—DETONATE!”
Two hundred miles away in Green-Jade Valley, the real Elder Huo tried to sever his connection and pull his soul-thread back.
DING-DONG! CONNECTION BLOCKED BY MUNICIPAL TOLL GATE!
Up on the bathhouse roof, the five-foot crystal pickle jar opened its brass lid and turned on its Super Vacuum Suction Array!
SHLLLLUUUUUURP!
Like a giant noodle being sucked up through a straw, Elder Huo’s thirty-foot flaming phantom was yanked downward by his fiery beard! His thirty-foot body stretched out thin, spun around the tip of the lightning rod three times, and got sucked headfirst straight down into the five-foot glass pickle jar!
POP! CLANG!
The heavy brass lid slammed shut on top of the pickle jar and sealed itself with six glowing yellow [ MUNICIPAL PROPERTY ] talisman stickers!
Inside the five-foot glass jar on top of the bathhouse roof, Elder Huo’s flaming head had been compressed down to the size of a big beach ball. His nose and fat cheeks were squished flat against the thick glass wall as he banged his tiny flaming fists frantically against the inside of the pickle jar!
“Let me out! You shameless thief! That’s twenty percent of my life-force Qi! Let me out of this pickle jar!” Elder Huo’s muffled voice squeaked inside the glass.
“Abacus Su, turn on the Neon Advertising Mode,” Pei Xuan called out with a grin.
“Right away, Lord Pei!” Abacus Su flipped the second brass switch on the wall.
BZZZT—DING!
Inside the glass pickle jar, two tiny copper clips snapped onto the ears of Elder Huo’s flaming head. Instantly, the angry red flames of his beard began flashing in festive holiday colors—Bright Red, Emerald Green, Hot Pink, and Shining Gold—while the brass turntable spun his glowing head around in a smooth circle so every street in the city could see him!
Then, the Voice-Box Rewirer kicked in.
Against his will, Elder Huo’s squished, flashing neon face stretched into a huge, terrifyingly polite customer-service smile, and his booming voice blasted out of the twin brass megaphones across the entire square:
“WELCOME TO THE DRY-WELL GRAND SWEET-SPRING BATHHOUSE! THIS IS BRANCH ELDER HUO OF THE CRIMSON CLOUD SECT REMINDING ALL CITIZENS TO WASH BEHIND THEIR EARS! HOT MINERAL POOLS ONLY TWO COPPERS A DIP! BRING THREE FRIENDS ON TUESDAY AND GET A FREE PEPPERMINT BACK-SCRUB! LONG LIVE LORD PEI!”
Inside the jar, Elder Huo’s real consciousness was crying tears of blood as his own mouth sang a jingle after every announcement:
“Rub-a-dub-dub, come soak in the tub! Elder Huo loves the Dry-Well scrub!”
Down in the central square, fifty thousand workers and refugees stared up at the spinning, rainbow-flashing head of the mighty Crimson Cloud Sect Elder inside the giant pickle jar.
Then the entire city exploded into the loudest roar of laughter Dry-Well City had ever heard!
Senior Brother Zhao laughed so hard he dropped his lamb bone and rolled on the bathhouse steps, pounding the stone with his fist. “Hahaha! Look at Elder Huo’s beard turning hot pink! Back at the sect, if anyone even coughed while he was talking, he would whip them thirty times! Now he’s spinning in a pickle jar advertising Tuesday back-scrubs!”
Beside him, Envoy Lin cupped both hands around his mouth and shouted up at the spinning glass pickle jar on the roof:
“Hey! Elder Huo! Can you see me down here?! Look at my chest—I got three Little Red Paper Flowers, and Zhao Kuang got ten! Don’t worry about us, we’re eating braised beef tendon and driving a five-sword tractor! When your real body comes over later, remember to bring extra Spirit Stones so you don’t end up in Pit #3 like Zhao Kuang did last night!”
Inside the spinning pickle jar, Elder Huo’s beach-ball-sized flaming head saw Envoy Lin and Senior Brother Zhao wearing bright yellow vests and waving lamb bones at him. His eyes bulged so hard they pressed flat against the glass like two fried eggs!
He wanted to roar “Traitors! I will flay you alive!”—but the moment he opened his mouth, the Voice-Box Rewirer turned his furious scream into a cheerful falsetto song:
“EXTRA! EXTRA! FIRST HUNDRED BATHERS AT NOON GET A FREE CUP OF ICED MUNG-BEAN TEA! COME SOAK WITH ELDER HUO! RUB-A-DUB-DUB!”
Down by the bathhouse ticket booth, Abacus Su’s eyes gleamed behind his spectacles as he watched thousands of workers and refugees crowding around the entrance just to point at the talking Immortal head on the roof.
“Lord Pei, this neon sign is a commercial miracle!” Abacus Su said excitedly, his fingers flying across his golden abacus. “Bathhouse ticket sales just went up by four hundred percent in five minutes! Everyone wants to soak in the hot pool while listening to an Immortal Sect Elder sing the bathtub song! Should I raise the ticket price from two coppers to five coppers?”
“No, keep the public bath ticket at two coppers so every worker can afford a hot bath after their shift,” Pei Xuan said with a chuckle, waving his hand. “However, you can set up a little wooden platform across the street where citizens can pay one copper coin to throw a wet bath-sponge at the pickle jar—every time someone hits the brass bell under the jar, Elder Huo’s beard changes color from pink to purple!”
“Brilliant! A one-copper carnival game that also polishes the glass jar for free!” Abacus Su immediately shouted to two clerks, “Quick! Bring out a basket of wet sponges and put up a sign: One Copper to Ring the Elder’s Bell!”
Within three minutes, a line of three hundred grinning bricklayers and children had formed across the street, happily tossing wet sponges at the roof—SPLAT! DING!—making Elder Huo’s spinning head flash bright purple and sing twice as fast!
***
Two hundred miles away, inside the sandalwood pavilion of Green-Jade Valley:
PUFF!
The real Branch Elder Huo suddenly stiffened on his tiger-skin couch, his eyes rolling back as he spat a three-foot fountain of bright red blood straight onto his peacock-feather fan!
“My Qi! My spiritual consciousness!” Elder Huo tumbled off the couch onto the floor, clutching his head and screaming in agony as he felt twenty percent of his Rank 4 Peak cultivation permanently locked inside a pickle jar two hundred miles away—and worse, through the faint soul-link, his own brain was forced to hear himself singing “Rub-a-dub-dub, come soak in the tub” over and over again!
“Gather the outer sect! Gather all thirty combat disciples and bring out my Rank 4 Flying War-Boat!” Elder Huo howled, smashing a jade vase against the floor in mad fury. “I am flying to that desert city myself! If I don’t smash that pickle jar and skin that mortal city lord alive today, I will never be able to sleep again!”
Back on the steps of the Grand Bathhouse, Pei Xuan finished his last spoonful of almond tofu, looked east toward the mountains, and smiled warmly at Sword Genius Ye Guhan and Boom-Pot Sun.
“Brother Ye, Master Sun,” Pei Xuan said. “Our free neon lightbulb is coming across the desert with thirty more helpers and a nice wooden boat. Let’s go to the east border highway and give them a warm welcome!”