Hovering a hundred and twenty feet above Central Avenue on his spinning [Quasi-Rank 4 Wind-Step Flying Bronze Disk]. Forty-five-year-old Imperial Envoy Zhao Kun , at Half-Step Rank 4, trembled from head to toe. His face turned the color of pig liver!
In the Great Qian Royal Capital (Sky-Crown City), even Second-Rank Imperial Ministers and Rank 3 sect masters bowed and scraped when Envoy Zhao Kun flew past on the Second Prince’s bronze disk!
Yet here in this northern border prefecture, a twenty-nine-year-old father wearing cloth house-slippers. A dish-towel over his shoulder had just called his flying treasure a “noisy brass dinner plate” and threatened to hitch him to a luggage cart like a mule!
“HITCH ME TO A LUGGAGE CART?! YOU SUICIDAL BORDER ANT!”
Shaking with apoplectic fury, Envoy Zhao Kun looked past Gu Changsheng toward the two-story cedar balcony of the [Frost-Pine Loving-Heart Elementary School]. Nine-year-aged Gu Nian , holding Half-Step Rank 3, alongside seven-year-old Su Nuannuan , at Half-Step Rank 3. Had just stepped out onto the veranda in their yellow bunny apron and pink rabbit dress to stand protectively in front of their six hundred young classmates!
Seeing the two rosy-cheeked children standing on the school balcony—and sensing the faint. Pure resonance of Gu Nian’s [Innate Chaos Demon Bone] and Su Nuannuan’s [Innate Ten-Thousand-Poison Body]—Envoy Zhao Kun let out a savage, bloodthirsty laugh and slashed his black-gloved hand downward toward the school:.
“THREE THOUSAND BLACK-ARMOR CAPITAL GUARDS—HEAR MY ORDER! IGNORE GU CHANGSHENG AND CHARGE STRAIGHT INTO THAT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! SMASH THE SCHOOL GATES FLAT, CAPTURE GU NIAN AND SU NUANNUAN IN IRON CHAINS, AND TRAMPLE ANY CITIZEN WHO STANDS IN YOUR WAY!”
ROOOOOOOOOAR—CLANK-CLANK-CLANK!
Down on the granite flagstones of Central Avenue, even though thirty-eight-year-old Battalion Commander Chen , at Rank 2 Peak. Many of his three thousand Black-Armor Capital Guards felt an uneasy knot in their stomachs at being ordered to charge an elementary school, military iron discipline forced their boots into motion!
Lowering three thousand black-iron lances into a dense wall of steel points, the three thousand armored capital soldiers surged forward down Central Avenue toward the elementary school intersection like a rumbling black avalanche!
Standing calmly on the pharmacy steps, twenty-nine-year-old Gu Changsheng didn’t even need to draw [Father’s Golden Spatula of True Discipline].
Instead, he raised two fingers to his lips and blew a single, crisp note—while sixty-two-year-old Grandpa Fu , at Rank 2 Peak, stepped out onto the veranda clicking his black-iron abacus:.
“Captain One-Ear Scar! Tractor Brigade #01 through #30! Activate [Elementary School Crosswalk & Neighborhood Watch Protocol #1]!”
TWEET—TWEET—TWEEEEEEET!
From the broad white-painted crosswalk fifty yards in front of the elementary school gates, thirty-five-year-old Reformed Guard Captain One-Ear Scar [Rank 1 Peak. Warmth: 85/100] blew his brass traffic whistle with all his might and raised a bright red octagonal wooden sign painted with bold white characters:.
[STOP! ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CROSSWALK — NO RUNNING OR LANCE-CHARGING ALLOWED!]
At the exact same second—.
BOOM-CLANK! BOOM-CLANK! BOOM-CLANK!
Out from the two side avenues flanking the school marched the thirty twelve-foot-tall Rank 2 Peak Lava-Rock Golems wearing. Their spotless giant pink [I Love Chores & Hard Work] floral aprons—carrying thirty eight-foot-tall interlocking [Heavy Iron Farm-Plow Riot Shields]!
And right behind the thirty twelve-foot stone giants marched all five hundred [Pink-Apron Security Uncles] [Rank 1 Peak to Rank 2 Mid, Warmth: 82/100]—the reformed former clan guards, veteran blacksmiths. Frontier caravan escorts who had been eating Gu Changsheng’s [Rank 3 Earth-Fire Spirit Soup] twice a day for three months!
“SCHOOL... ZONE... SPEED...
LIMIT... ZERO! INTERLOCK...
PLOW... SHIELDS!”
CLANG-CLANG-CLANG-LOCK!
Within two seconds, the thirty twelve-foot Rank 2 Peak Lava-Rock Golems planted their massive obsidian feet three inches deep into the roadside curb-slots. Locked their thirty eight-foot iron plow-shields into a solid. Ten-ton, sixty-foot-wide wall of geothermal iron across the entire width of Central Avenue.
The five hundred [Pink-Apron Security Uncles] braced their long padded wooden crowd-control poles behind them!
KRA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!
When the front ranks of the three thousand Black-Armor Capital Guards slammed their iron lances into the sixty-foot wall of Rank 2 Peak Lava-Golem shields—.
Sparks flew ten feet into the air, yet not a single twelve-foot Pink-Apron Lava Golem budged by so much as a millimeter!
Instead, the natural elastic rebound of the thirty Lava Golems’ geothermal stone bodies bounced the entire front. Three rows of Black-Armor Capital Guards backward onto their armored backsides like bowling pins hitting a granite cliff!
“WHAT?! THIRTY PINK-APRONED STONE GOLEMS STOPPED MY THREE THOUSAND CAPITAL GUARDS COLD?!” Envoy Zhao Kun’s jaw dropped from his flying bronze disk in the sky!
And before Battalion Commander Chen and the three thousand stunned Black-Armor Capital Guards could even scramble back to their feet in front of the golem shield-wall, twenty-four-year-aged Auntie Qin. At Rank 3 Early Martial Grandmaster, stepped out onto the pharmacy balcony and raised a little green signal flag toward the three-story rooftops lining both sides of Central Avenue!
“Neighbors of Azure-Cloud Prefecture!” Auntie Qin’s clear, melodic voice rang out across the street. “The Capital Guards’ armor looks terribly dusty after marching two thousand miles—give them a free [Peace Pharmacy Soapy-Mud & Croton-Stink Bath]!”
“WE HEARD YOU, DOCTOR QIN! NOBODY TOUCHES OUR KIDS’ SCHOOL—FIRE THE SOAP BALLOONS!”
WHOOOOOOSH—SWISH-SWISH-SWISH!
Along half a mile of three-story rooftops, balconies. Upper shop windows on both sides of Central Avenue, twenty-five thousand ordinary citizens of Azure-Cloud Prefecture—blacksmiths, grandmothers, noodle-makers, carpenters, and farmers—stood up behind wooden laundry baskets!
Inside those baskets were fifty thousand thin pig-bladder water balloons that Grandpa Fu, Auntie Qin, and Grandpa Yao had mass-produced the night before, filled with a two-part alchemical mixture:.
[10x Ultra-Slippery Loach-Slime Dish-Soap Foam] + [Concentrated Fermented Croton-Bean & Skunk-Cabbage Stink-Water]!
As twenty-five thousand laughing, cheering citizens hurled all fifty thousand balloons down into the packed street between the golem shield-wall and the eastern gate—.
SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAAAAT-WHOOOOOSH!
Fifty thousand balloons burst simultaneously across the helmets, breastplates, and iron boots of the three thousand Black-Armor Capital Guards!
Instantly, the entire half-mile avenue was transformed into a six-inch-deep skating rink of zero-friction rainbow dish-soap bubbles AND a thick yellow cloud of eye-watering fermented skunk-cabbage and croton-bean stink!
“WHOA—SLIP-CRASH! MY BOOTS CAN’T STAND UP ON THIS SOAP!”
“COUGH-GACK! WHAT IS THIS SMELL?! IT SMELLS LIKE TEN THOUSAND FERMENTED CHAMBER POTS!”
“HELP! CAPTAIN CHEN, MY LEGS ARE SLIDING INTO BARREL FORMATION—CLANG-CRASH-THUD!”
Even though the three thousand Black-Armor Capital Guards were hardened soldiers, how could sixty-pound iron boots find a shred of traction on 10x Loach-Slime Dish-Soap Foam?!
The moment any soldier tried to take half a step or swing a lance, his iron boots shot straight up into the air like a greased banana peel. Sending three hundred armored soldiers at a time crashing into each other in a giant, clattering pile of soap-bubbles, spinning helmets. Kicking legs—while their stomachs rumbled like thunder from breathing the croton-bean stink!
Worse still for the Capital Guards’ dignity, as soon. All three thousand armored soldiers were sliding helplessly on their backs and bellies in the six-inch-deep rainbow soap-suds. Thirty-five-year-old Captain One-Ear Scar blew three joyful blasts on his brass whistle from behind the Lava-Golem shield-wall:.
“Neighborhood Sanitation Brigade—deploy the [Long-Handled Scrub-Brooms]! Don’t stab a single soldier, just scrub the rust off their helmets until they sparkle!”
SWISH-SCRUB! SWISH-SCRUB! SWISH-SCRUB!
Stepping out through the gaps between the thirty twelve-foot Pink-Apron Lava Golems, the five hundred [Pink-Apron Security Uncles] didn’t draw swords or spears—instead. Every single burly security uncle wielded a ten-foot bamboo courtyard-broom dipped in warm lavender dish-water, vigorously scrubbing the sliding Capital Guards’ helmets and breastplates. If washing three thousand oversized iron pots after a village banquet!
“Hold still, Brother Capital Soldier! You’ve got a spot of road-mud right behind your left ear-guard—let Uncle Scar buff that out for you!”
“Stop scrubbing my helmet with a broom! I am an elite spearman of the Royal Capital—BLUB-BLUB-GURGLE! Why does this lavender soap taste like pickled turnips?!”
Even thirty-eight-year-old Battalion Commander Chen , at Rank 2 Peak, tried three times to brace his iron lance against the flagstones to stand up. Only for his greased iron boots to spin in place like a frantic windmill. He slid twenty yards backward on his armored seat—bumping harmlessly into the soft stone shin of Golem Unit #08.
Who politely handed him a warm wet washcloth and a bar of [Gu Family Ten-Copper Pine-Tar Soap]!
“COMPLIMENTARY... PINE-TAR... SOAP...
FOR... VISITING... CAPITAL...
GUEST! PLEASE... WASH...
BEHIND... YOUR... EARS...
BEFORE... ENTERING... THE...
SCHOOL... ZONE!”
Watching a twelve-foot ancient war-golem in a pink floral apron politely hand a bar of pine-tar soap to the skidding commander of three thousand elite Capital Guards. Twenty-five thousand townspeople cheered from the rooftops and sixty-two-year-old Grandpa Fu tallied up the soap-and-water bill on his abacus. Fifty-two-year-aged Prefecture Lord Qin Zheng , at Rank 3 Mid, up on the Yamen balcony laughed until tears ran down his beard:.
“Zero casualties, zero bloodshed, and three thousand elite Capital Guards turned into a giant street bubble-bath in three minutes flat! Only Patriarch Gu Changsheng could defeat a royal army with dish-soap balloons and bamboo scrub-brooms!”
On the wooden veranda of the [Gu Family Peace Pharmacy], three-hundred-and-eighty-year-old Grandpa Yao [Warmth: 92/100] adjusted his miniature gold spectacles on his plush green turtle snout and nodded with deep alchemical satisfaction:.
“Hehehe! Do not underestimate this old Sovereign’s [10x Ultra-Slippery Loach-Slime Dish-Soap Foam], Little Qin! We blended fifty pounds of mountain-stream loach mucus with saponified winter-pine resin and a pinch of Little Miss Nuannuan’s mild sneezing-pollen!
Even if a Rank 2 Peak cavalry commander wears spiked iron crampons on his boots, the moment he steps into that foam. His feet will slide faster than a greased carp on a wet marble chopping board—and by the time he stops sliding. Our five hundred [Pink-Apron Security Uncles] will have scrubbed his armor so clean his own mother won’t recognize him!”
Down in the middle of the rainbow soap-bubbles, dozens of young drafted soldiers among the Black-Armor Capital Guards had already given up trying to stand on the frictionless flagstones—instead. They sat cross-legged in the warm lavender soap-suds holding their rumbling stomachs. The rich, mouth-watering fragrance of simmering braised pork ribs drifted over the golem shield-wall from the [Frost-Pine Loving-Heart Canteen] next door:.
“Brothers... sniff the air! Once the croton-bean smell blows past, can you smell that braised pork-rib noodle broth cooking inside their canteen?!
We marched two thousand miles from Sky-Crown City eating dry salted turnip crusts—why did Envoy Zhao make us attack a town that smells like heaven?!”
Up on the second-floor veranda of the [Frost-Pine Loving-Heart Elementary School], seven-year-old Su Nuannuan , at Half-Step Rank 3, clapped her small hands in delight as six hundred schoolchildren cheered behind her:.
“Look, Big Brother Nian! The three thousand black-beetle uncles are taking a big bubble bath in the street! Look how shiny their helmets are now!”
“And not a single soldier got within fifty yards of our school gate,” nine-year-old Gu Nian , at Half-Step Rank 3, smiled warmly. Holding his little sister’s hand while keeping his eyes vigilantly on the sky.
Because up at a hundred and twenty feet above Central Avenue. Watching his three thousand elite Black-Armor Capital Guards flailing helplessly in pink soap-suds. Twenty-five thousand citizens pelted them with scrub-brushes and loofahs, forty-five-year-old Imperial Envoy Zhao Kun , at Half-Step Rank 4, lost his mind completely!
“ENOUGH! YOU FILTHY MORTAL ANTS DARE TURN MY IMPERIAL ARMY INTO A LAUGHINGSTOCK?!”
With bloodshot viper-eyes twisting in murderous madness, Envoy Zhao Kun stopped looking at the street below—and locked his hateful gaze directly onto nine-year-aged Gu Nian. Seven-year-old Su Nuannuan standing on the elementary school balcony!
Reaching into the inner breast pocket of his black dragon robe, Envoy Zhao Kun ripped out a forbidden, eight-inch scarlet wyrm-skin talisman bestowed upon him personally by Second Prince Qian Ye:.
A lethal [Rank 4 Crimson Blood-Lightning Execution Spear Talisman]!
[ DING! 3,000 GUARDS SLIP IN SOAP — ENVOY ZHAO DRAWS RANK 4 SPEAR! ]
* Street Defense : 30 Lava Golems + 500 Pink-Apron Uncles + 25,000.
Citizens incapacitate all 3,000 Capital Guards.
with zero-friction soap & croton-stink balloons!
* Escalation : Humiliated Envoy Zhao Kun aims a lethal [Rank 4.
Crimson Blood-Lightning Spear] at the kids!
* Daily Income : +400,000 DP/day -> +415,000 DP/day!